A Reason

I found a reason.

It's no good reason.

But it's my reason, to carry on.

I'm going back to where I don't belong.

To see the things I left out in the sun.

I don't know how to find, the force I once called mine, but I'm going back to where I don't belong.

When the tides are high.

Where the sea gulls fly.

Cause what brought me back is nothing I can have.

I found a reason.

It's no good reason.

But it's my reason, to leave again.

I was facing back and now I know I'm wrong. All the things I left have sailed and moved along. And I find that it's okay, but I just can't stay this way, so I'd rather go to where I don't belong.

Where forever stays.

I will find my way.

Cause what brought me back is nothing I can have. 

I hold my head up, and stare right straight up. Forever gave up, and that's just fine. 

No purpose undone. It's all just been done, and I am but one, and that's just fine. 

So I found my reason.

It's no good reason.

But it's my reason, to live again.

In The Shadows

There are many things I am unwilling to talk about. Mostly because I don't know how to.

I took beatings...I have been raped. 

But the acts didn't bother me much. I guess I'm a strange character in this, because underneath the truth of these things, I believed they were justified. I knew beyond all reason I some how asked for them. This is a truth, not some weak female saying "oh gosh I deserved it". No, there were lines, I saw them. I stepped on and over them to drive the bus to that point. I picked the fight to end the silence. I stood in the way of stopping it. These are things I did with intent, knowing where it would go. 

All the feminists of the world will tell you it's his fault because he put his hands on you...but really? There is no line I would not cross, or barrier I would not break to end the pain of silence. So equal roles were played.

I was in a "healing domestic violence" group for women. Eventually I dropped out, after spending a lot of time not talking. My heart hurt for these women, for they were true victims. But I didn't fit, I didn't belong. How do I tell them I LIKED it? I would take a back hand to the face any day over the crippling, horrific silence. 

Do they know how I stood between the couch and the tv, hovering right in front screaming "talk to me...talk to me you bastard"?

Do they know that when it finally came, I felt relief?

It was me standing in front of the door screaming "why don't you want me? Why can't you love me?" Until I was pushed. It was me pushing until he pushed back.
I was alone where I should not have been. I was out there swinging when I should not have been. I tempted fate and swallowed the broken glass of my creation. I was a fighter, an unfair, dirty fighter.

Sympathy only reminds me of what I did to get what I got. I don't bother much with that, I gave as good as I got.

I have this desire to be wanted. Not for me to chase, or pursue, or coerce. However, I have never been a girly girl, I suppose "pretty" to some, but not the kind of girl that gets noticed or keeps him coming back for more. So my skin has developed layers and layers of callous. I'm tough as nails, that comes across as coldness to some, secure to others. But underneath it is this absolute crippling fear of being left. I would rather leave then be left. I would rather be alone then trust that my partner will stay. I would rather remain noncommittal, then admit I need that security. I adopt freedom as a crutch that eases the anxiety of not being loveable enough. I call this "staying power". Because I have been unchosen, or left so many times, I believe I don't have staying power. So it's easier for me to just not.

I actually don't mind rejection. I have no fear of this. What scares me is not knowing why. I always desire a reason, a picture to resolve the questions. This comes from my belief that there is a purpose for everything. So when I am rejected, the reason makes it okay. If there is no reason, this is terrible for me. Being cheated on was never about the other person, it was the agony of not being good enough or desirable enough that choked me.

I began living a life outside the protection of a family very young. I lived hard and fast. I moved 15 times between the ages of 14 and 20. I have seen girls homes, chased mushrooms across the B.C. Interior. Partied on beaches, had babies. I lived in a polygamist life style. Was taken in by a bush man. Worked in logging bars and wandered barefoot down a highway for hours. I have found and lost and found again. I have watched death happen and seen it in all it's forms. I have witnessed and taken part in the ritual of birth.

I have met terrible situations and kept them silent.
I have loved so deeply that the ache still pains me when I think about it.

I have been abused and have abused others. I have taken and given. I have karma.

At the beginning of this year I sat down with my mountain of pictures and began scrap booking. Places I have been. Faces I have known. All laid out side by side, page after page. Some I lovingly sorted and gave them a story. Some I slapped on a page and quickly carried on. 

This was the beginning of ending those stories. 

The harmonica that sits rusting is a secret that unlocks the knowledge of what I am capable of if forced. But that was a different time, and a different story.

I can't tell you why I like naked bodies. There is no desire attached to it, but the form of humans is exquisite to me. 

I can't tell you why I am so very happy for the successes of others, or why I can love them so completely without putting restrictions on them.

I can't tell you why I can't talk about what is important to me, or why I can see the feelings of others like a painting. Why it's more important that someone else be okay then myself. 

I can't admit my own needs without getting all weird or working up the nerve. But I accept other people needs without a second thought. 

I can't explain why I'm okay with people "bothering" me, any time, any place, any reason...but I can't handle "bothering" others.
I can't tell you why I can feel certain people even when they are not around, or why when all I want in the world is to reach out to them...I chew on it and stall until I either give up or give in.
I can't tell you about my reserved joy, my inability to burst at the seams without a drink or two in me.
I can't tell you why the thing I love the very most in the whole world is seeing that flash of recognition and joy in someone's eye when they realize how truly fabulous they are...even if only for a second.
I can't explain why you matter, so very very much to me, but I won't chase you.

These are parts of myself I can't talk about freely, I can't verbalize, or feel safe discussing, without thinking I'm foolish.

I'm not worried if you know me or not. I'm not concerned with if you see me or not. Because really, in my world you will always matter.

I have discovered my own worth, through the trials and travels of unworthiness. 

I have finally felt the scales tipping, and realized it's not selfish to take care of me.

I have found the strength to put into words what scares me the most, to face some of these fears and push back.

I have forgiven myself for the weakness I have harboured.

I am settling into the knowledge that I've only just begun living.

I don't fight any more, and if I'm pushed, I fight fair. The spirit of my disharmony died many years ago. I listen to the tales told of abuse and rape with an open heart, realizing this is not my truth. I was not a victim, and that's okay. 

No Man Left Behind

Much of our culture is defined by the sub-cultures that are created. The motto “No man left behind” is well known, and can be seen on many levels laced throughout our daily lives. Schools have adopted this, groups, kinship programs, etc.

Yet, this is not carried into most religions or family groupings. It is definitely not adopted by friends in most cases. Generally, you will discover that friendship is easily discarded like a bad habit. Who once were a unit, are now at odds. Who once was relied on is now a vague memory of “stuff you did together”

So what is friendship?

To me, there are distinct separations between the levels of friends. I consider them tiers. There are those you know, those you know and like, those you can tolerate, those you choose to hang with and then friends, then family. Friends and family fall into the “love” category. I love my friends, those I choose to call friends. I love my family, those I choose to call family.

Any who fall into the last two categories are closest to my heart, and as such, I adopt the “no man left behind” motto. Each and every person, unique and one unto themselves, occupy a place designed distinctly for them in my heart and life. There is no comparison and no compromises. There is literally NOTHING a person can do, say, not do, not say to remove themselves from this place. However, they can choose at any time to discard me. That is their choice and I refuse to accept any less.

In the past, it has been very difficult for me to verbalize this. I have always known that I am this way. My cousin calls it imprinting, and I like this term. That is exactly what it is for me. Once a person imprints on me, they become a part of who I am. Our unity in the universal oneness is recognized by my soul and I accept that as a gift or blessing. So as I discover ways to verbalize, it is easier for me to say what has always been true.

So what is love?

This is awkward, or uncomfortable for some. It’s hard to understand what this means. All of a sudden, there is this intangible feeling of questions and discomfort. Do I expect something? Does that require an effort or ownership? Is it creepy? I don’t recognize this as normal…so is it weird? Will it change? Can I trust it? Does it mean sex, or stalker, or something even worse?

I can’t make that go away for my loved ones, because the truth is, I have always been this way and felt this way. The only difference is that I have discovered my OWN worth, and am able to verbalize what IS. I am not afraid any more to be cast aside, because you have already blessed me with your presence. I ask nothing more from you.

I am not afraid to speak and be ignored or scorned or contradicted, because that is your story and your journey, not mine.

I am not afraid of being alone, for I have found my company enough. I know I am okay. I know that I deserve the full value of being, and you cannot give that or take it away from me.

If your fears block who I am from your life, that is only your loss, for I am no longer lost to myself. If your understanding limits your faith in me, that is your loss, for I am no longer limited. If your journey takes you far from me, the journey we have already been on is enough.

All I have ever asked of, or wanted from a loved one is honesty. That has not changed, however it has evolved to the point where I understand that some cannot give that. That’s okay. It’s okay for me to love you even if you cannot or will not be honest with me. So now, I ask nothing. Not even honesty any more. I am just thankful for your imprint.

No man left behind means I will love you, eternally, safely and without expectation. The door way to my heart is open to you, for you are already residing therein. If I have done wrong, then it is your job to let me know. If you return to me in order to scar me, you will find nothing but love receiving you. I am not yours to tarnish, soil or demean…although you are free to try.

No man left behind means I will not abandon you, but you are free to exit any time you wish. I may not understand, or want you to go, but that is okay. I see your path as valid and vital to who you are, and if that path veers off into the setting sun, the tears I shed will only be my purging of your physical presence.

No man left behind means if I ask anything of you, I will always accept “no” as an answer. You have a voice, just as I do. You have a will, just as I do. You are no greater than or less than.

I will love you forever, without question or judgement or expectation. So if you have the courage to understand that and the faith to accept it, then you will never be left behind.

That You Are

 There is nothing you cannot overcome. 

Any dream is worth having and any goal is achievable. 

You are stronger than you realize.

You are greater than your fears.

You are worth more than all the riches the world can offer.

You are loved beyond the boarders of your imagination.

Nothing you have ever done, not done, said, not said, or even thought, can remove your worth and value.

Who you are is greater than any deed or misdeed.

You are crafted and designed to be loved and cherished.

Your purpose is to BE, in whatever manner your being manifests.

That you breathe is enough.

That you live is exactly as it should be.

That you are is that you are.

No person has the right or power to remove this from you, for this is your existence, and all others are travellers passing through your space and time. 

Return to them their right to be.

Remove from them the ability to change your right to be.

Journey well, for you are blessed and worthy.

Where are you?

I went searching for you. Chin forward head held high. I knew it was a fruitless mission, yet I could not stop myself. Every part of my being wanted to find you.

Under rocks and up trees, I wandered until my feet bled. Across streams and through thorn patches. Not with desperation, but with determination. I called for you until my voice cracked and then faded to nothing. Still I pushed on, calling you with my heart song.

Where are you?

There was a time when you were here. I know this, I feel this truth pumping through my spirit. Snaking memories catch glimpses of weathered forever. Like a blink, they are gone. Was it a dream of another life, or was it something real. When I can't remember, I choose to believe it was real. I am searching for you.

Where are you?

 

On my knees for I am weary, I continue to climb this mountain. I try to think of a reason to stop and find none. So on I go, searching the stars and all the sky that surrounds them. The moon crescents while I stare. I am gouged by earth and beaten by weather. Time has her way with me, and hunger clouds my mind. Have I found you yet?

Where are you?

At the peak of this cliff, so much jagged rock to look down upon. I can't tell if there is water below, for I have come so very far. The wind howls around me. I find I am battered, bruised and scabbed. My clothes lie in rags around my dwindling figure. I have battled long to get where I stand.

Where are you?

From a distance, I hear my name being called. I try to focus my aching eyes. Could it be I have finally found what I have searched for?

Unsure, I take a tiny step forward. Muscles screaming, knees folding.

Another step, and then another. Pushing my weathered body just that little further. I am sure this has all been worthwhile.

Where are you?

As I slip and fall off the cliff, I sigh.

I have found something. Sweet release. Like tendrils of smoke caught by the sun, my burdens fall away as I plummet face up, head down. I spread my arms wide, feeling the edges of my sufferage disappear. A new feeling spreads itself  over me, pushing it's way from my soul out. I radiate joy and peace, and it flows around me and swirls from the top of my crown to the soles of my feet.

I let you go.
I am not searching for you any more.
Instead, I am flying.

 

Snapshot

I stood stalk still, as still as my pounding heart would allow.
Charges of adrenaline snapping throughout my body and blood rushing past my ears.
You are here? You came?
I stare at you, dumbstruck.
"I know, I look different without my hat." A smile tickles the curve of your lip.
My arms move like underwater. Slow motion. I reach for you in disbelief.
You came. You are here.

I cannot see my face, but your concern reflects, and I suddenly become aware of my shock.
"Are you okay?" You ask.
I can't speak right now, so I allow you to fold me deeply into your arms. I bury my stunned expression into the softness of your neck, where your jaw meets your ear.
"You're here" I whisper.

I can feel your heart thumping against my chest and you hold me tightly. I know now that you are better at hiding than me.
"Did you think I wasn't coming back?" You speak low, to the side of my face and nibble my ear lobe.

This is the moment. I am awestruck. You came back for me because it wasn't enough. I know this.
My knees cannot hold me. Your hand finds the small of my back and I am supported by the length of your body. I fall into you.

All that surrounds us fades to nothing.
All I see is you.
All I breathe is you.
All I am is yours.
Right now.
I can't let go.
Time suspends for us.
I feel your warmth mingling with my own.
You are firm where I am melting.
You are soft where I am meeting you.
Your scent fills to the edges of my whole being and I breathe you in like liquid, nourishing my every need.
"If you have to leave me, take me with you." I say.
You chuckle. The vibration causes the kinetic attraction of our bodies to burrow deeper.
"I'm here now." You lift me closer, wrapping me even closer.
"I know," I kiss your neck, "you came!"

You draw away from me to look at me. Moving your hands to cup my face, you kiss my nose and then my forehead.
"I'd be a crazy person to not."

We are separated now. Nothing but your hands on my face and mine on your chest.
"Say you don't." I ask you. "Say you don't and mean it."
I explore every curve of your face and lock it in memory.
I know you are doing the same.
You say nothing, studying me.
Eyes only looking and seeing each other, you say nothing.

We meet once again, lips first, until I am once again firmly in your arms.
There in our embrace, I know.
"You can't, " I whisper, "you can't say you don't."

There is no goodbye in our unfolding.
There is no picture to hold.
This is my snapshot of a perfect place in time.
All is well.

Silence

Strange things happen in the silence.
Love is found and lost and found again without a sound.
Muffled within the walls of a heart that's rhythm is as steady as it is haunting.
Strings as hollow as they are long, follow the trail leading to nowhere.
This is not a metaphor for life; rather a truth no one wishes to notice.

Silence is not forgotten within the din of daily racket.
Not forgotten; just ignored.

Look up: there is a ceiling.
Whether by plaster and paint, wood and lathe or clouds and stars: What you see only ends.
With your ears you touch infinite silence.
Noise within that fades to nothingness.
Trapped within this, you are found and lost and found again without a sound.
Muffled within the walls of a heart that's rhythm is as steady as it is haunting.

Chills that lurk just outside the answers to your question why.
A mockery to the cluttered chatter of all that could be.
Forever silent, guarded by the figure that stands watch over your awareness, finger suspended on your lips. 
Sealed from the outside looking in.

What now wraps you deeply in this lovers embrace?
What now metes out silence in this hesitant kiss?
Like first and the last, with goodbye drooping deeply off weary limbs.
Silence takes and gives and then takes again.

Strange things happen in the silence.
I am found and lost and found again without a sound.
Muffled within the walls of a heart that's rhythm is as steady as it is haunting.
A broad space finds stretching room, reaching out to the borders of my horizon.
Silence has no beginning as it does not end.
Neither circle nor square, shapes uneven, forever curving into one another.
I brush against a life, peer within and marvel at the exquisite beauty I can see.
With eyes snapped shut, I dive into the silence given.
This is not a metaphor for life; rather a truth no one wishes to notice.