It's Complex

I'm standing on the edge of a lush forest. The smell of evergreen and rotting leaf, pleasant and warm, combining with the fresh breeze off of water. To my left is a pinking sky with air-brushed cloud. To my right the edge of a cliff cuts away to the yawning lake of ice blue. 

I press my bare toes into the satiny moss that covers the stone beneath me.

In this gloriously calm setting I stare into my dream. 

The dream in which all of these years makes sense. The dream in which a thousand tiny glass tears have formed a brand new heart. The dream that says

"It's okay, you got this baby-doll", and that is so much truth it is funny and not sad.

Those of you who have been travelling this journey with me, I am opening up about one of my deepest and darkest places.

"It is better to give than to receive" nailed it...

However, I would reword that to be: "it is easier to give than to receive." ...because it is for me.

In some sort of warped, martyristic way... I have been the giver of. Giver of what? 

Whatever.

Giver of me.

Giver of things.

Half-hearted, whole-hearted...no matter. Smack a bow on that shit and call it my gift to anyone, no one, you....

So stinking happy for everyone else. 

I'll give you a smile, a hug, my love, my adoration and support. Take it dammit...

The eternal spot of "whatever you need to make you feel better."

The dumbest part is it's genuine.

I actually super care unconditionally and wither when I feel like I've let someone down or hurt them.

But to recieve that....

I have serious doubts and apprehension. I assume there is a catch, an agenda. I can explain it away like flicking a bug off my shirt.

I assume I have no valid importance in your life beyond what I can provide you. 

Strangely enough, it's not even an inferiority thing. It's completely logical on every level. I have proof to quantify this opinion and years of baggage to back it up. 

When I let that go...

Well, I've come to this place.

Where I don't know whether to laugh or to cry because it's all just...so...pathetic.

Like...seriously?

"Give me a break," I say to self..."get real. You, my dear, have a wicked bad layered inferiority complex. Stop denying it and deal."

So, I'm dealing. The cards have been stacking up, and I look at the hearts and spades. Nodding to myself, I admit that mentally I am quite aware of my worth. It's all there.

No purpose but to be, for being is enough.

Yet diamonds are sharp, laying compressed beneath the stone of proof and delivery. 

I can trust....trust that I won't last. Trust that you will eventually betray me. Trust that the calls will stop or someone out there is better for you. Trust that when I need you the very most, that is when you won't show up. 

And I know I will be happy for you, because well, that's just how I am.

Or am I?

Probably not...but I will be eventually, that's a guarantee.

I return to my dream...this dream a visualization of its all gonna be okay sugar-booger. Wipe those salty tears and plop your butt down. Stop wondering who or how or making excuses, and simply accept that you are enough, valid, and worthwhile. Everything is gonna be okay.

It's okay to give, I probably always will. 

But the way in which that manifests is changing, day by day, card by card. 

All those things I know to be true, well, they dangle on a dream that is taking over what is...even tho they will never change what was.

This has been, by far, the hardest and most doubted blog I have shared...in that way, I know another dragon has been slain. Thank you...

Namaste