I thought all my sadness would end and life would turn into this cake-walk of riches and husband and happy little home by the river.
I had this image of dancing lightly with whatever remainder of years there were.
In the self-help books I read, it seemed so simple and achievable. These terribly broken people became rich and famous doing what they liked...so why couldn't I? All I had to do was put in the effort, and BAM...dreams do come true....right?!?!?!?!?
After wading through the last few years of ever increasing futility.
After reading, searching, finding the light and learning how to navigate it...
What do I have to show for it?
I'm single. Broke. People don't want to book their portraits with me. I have no idea if I will continue to slug it out alone or if I will admit that maybe it's time to try a different career. I could seriously become depressed.
Yet, I'm not.
With great peace and clarity, I realized that I didn't do all that work for nothing. I'm actually ok.
I'm alright with being single, because even though I would love to fall asleep with comfortable arms holding me-
I have learned that my own company is enough. That I deserve to be loved in a manner fitting me, not in a way that gives me company but leaves me feeling hollow and unwanted.
I'm okay with being broke, I know my needs will be met when the time comes. Having nothing only makes me appreciate what I do have that much more.
It's fine that people are taking their time booking with me. I know that those who need me will find me when the timing is right.
I am open to a different career, if an opportunity presents itself that feels right.
There is no depression, because when I am blue, I recognize the sadness and let it go. It has a right to be, so I'm no longer struggling against it.
So all the work I have put in IS paying off. Perhaps not in the way I wanted it to, or dreamed it would be. But I'm not dead yet either.
Other benefits have come along the way.
Such as I feel free, and beautiful.
At 37, I can look at a photograph of myself or in the mirror and smile. I see my worth. I can openly love others without taking their issues on as my own. I am not weighed down with regret or guilt.
It was all worthwhile, even today-
That doesn't mean I'm all filled with roses and kitten fur. Not at all.
I am dark and stinky. I have anger that boils to the edges and rages in the dark. But I don't live there any more. Instead I look at these and say, "hey, that's not who I am, so you can be done now." I am not ashamed of it, because it is just another part of life.
I feel jealousy and doubt. But I refuse to let it control me or change what I know to be true. This means I won't deny or confirm the words these emotions whisper.
I realized that no enlightenment trumpet is going to sound. The dreams of reaching a goal and riding out the rest of life is never going to happen.
I also realized I'm okay with that. The little epiphanies and shameful truths will continue to speckle my days with laughter and tears.
I don't think it's about being perfect.
I think it's about perfectly being...and that means accepting every tiny bit of up and down along the way.
