Deepening

I do not want to feel like I'm hurting you.

My head down, staring at the way the sun shines off my nail-polished big toe.

There is zero parts of me that is okay with these thoughts.

Since I have been hurt, so bad and so deep, that the scars stare back at me in my bathroom mirror through the tears that can't even be bothered to fall any more. 

But when I see you, I also see all the reasons I wish you would know how much I cannot hope. 

How safe in my skin behind my scars I feel. How even just the idea of bringing you into my world makes me want to scream: 

"No! Turn back! You won't like it here!!"

I love watching you, and hearing the vibrations of your voice, even when the words have no meaning to me. 

I want to tell you about the knife I keep hidden under my skin. The one I use to cut myself with over and over. I want to tell you how surprised I was when I found it there, for I had always assumed it was others doing the stabbing. But you see, it was always me. 

I'd tell you about the day I discovered that, and how all the faces I blamed just disappeared. All that remained was the shame of my revelation, and the peace from knowing I didn't have to use it any more.

More then that, I want to walk along a river, and hear the way our feet fall on the pebbles and rocks. I want to listen to the stars sing, and know you hear them too.

I wish you could see that there is nothing about me that can be contained any more. That the fears from my past have fallen away, leaving me bare and wide open on a windy day. And I'm okay with being alone in my bed, as long as I know I share the love I can't contain with those who need me the very most.

One of the things I would whisper to the mountain peaks, is "Do not tell me this is it, for I've only just come to see. Do not tell me I must write the final chapter, not yet, for I have only just begun to understand."

And you, I would tell you-

I don't have any answers, but I will listen to your questions.

I don't have any solutions, but I will stand along the sidelines cheering you on.

My feet are firmly planted in the garden from which I have grown, but if you look up, you will see me soaring above with a freedom I cannot allow anyone to stifle.

So, please do not feel as if I am hurting you. That is a thought I could not bear. 

As I stare down at my toes, I wish for a moment I knew the path to guide them on.

But as the thought passes through, I smile, and give thanks for the comforting bliss of not knowing.