They will not see the good we have done, but instead wait for us to stumble so they can say “See- you are a terrible person.”
They will not look in our windows to see how we play with our children or sing them to sleep. They will not peer over our shrubbery to see us gardening in peace or petting our dog.
Yet, you may rely on it that the moment we raise our voice, or make our child cry or neglect our lawn, they are there ready to hiss at us and tell as many others as will listen how we suck at being human.
They need this to sustain their own stories and scripts. They can pat themselves on the back and say "Yes, I say mean things, but at least I take out my garbage."
We understand this, we call it hypocrisy or "drama" or ... as I prefer... fear.
Fear?
Yes, fear.
I have come to understand that the nasty little voice that was forever nattering at me in my head; telling me I'm useless, ugly, unlovable, lazy and so on- actually resides in every single head of every single person we meet. Sometimes, the only way to drown out that voice is to justify.....
"I might be lazy but at least I don't scream at my kids."
"I might be fat but at least I mow my lawn."
"I might be mean now and then but at least I have friends who understand me."
You get the picture.
It has to be justified by outside sources, since we become so terribly blind to the merit of simply being.
I am no great pillar of wisdom on this matter- I've actually chosen not to blog about it a few times, simply because I don't think I have all the answers...or even some of them.
Today, however, I changed my mind. I am not going to remain silent about this any longer.
The end of this doesn't happen over night. You don't get up one morning and stop comparing yourself to others, or stop recognizing the negative actions, "drama" and so on. It is a long and tedious process...but one well worth it....because what does begin to happen when you choose to STOP THE INSANITY....is baby steps. Then one day you are sitting there, listening to someone talk, and you have a sudden and irreversible moment of clarity.
It just doesn't matter.
"So she was like ranaranarana and I was all blahblah and it's like so not fair....I mean she does da-da-da and then is all up in my face when I blerk..... you know?"
And you do know. You know exactly............
But it just....doesn't......matter.
Why?
Because it doesn't.
Because you've taken time to learn that no matter what you do- no matter how you do it or why you do it- you've got a rapt audience for your f***k-ups...and no one notices or cares how long it's taken or what you've been through to get you there....that makes no difference in the world to them......but it's not even about you-
and that is what the difference is.
It's not your mess up they notice.
Nope.
It's only a simple distraction to add to their collection of "other people's mess ups" so that they don't have to focus on that little voice that is SCREAMING at them about how useless, pointless, waste-of-space THEY are.
They were watching and hoping and literally praying for it, because the thought that you might be better than them in any way for any reason is practically crippling.
So how does it stop?
I don't really know how it stops for others...or even if it does. But I will tell you how I began the process of trying to stop it within myself.
I argued with my voice.
"You're useless"
"No, I'm not. I'm valuable and worthy of forgiveness."
"You're fat"
"No, my vessel is beautiful in all forms it takes."
"No one loves you"
"I love me."
"You're a terrible person"
"I am as perfect as I need to be at any given moment."
....and so on.....
I STOPPED arguing with those outside of me.
There is the door, you're welcome to use it.
That is your reality, not mine.
That sounds like a personal problem.
I understand what you are saying, but choose not to engage that thought.
(personal favorite) "Oh Yea......"
The hardest learned lesson for me has been and is:
"It's not your business what others think of you. If they think negative about you or your motivations, that is their problem, not yours." -Victoria Marcotte
Eventually, the voice is just a listless babble that pops by from time to time to check in on me.
Why then...do I say this is fear?
Because the fear lies in the idea that the voice might be right!!
What if it is?
What if they all find out that I'm just this broken sham?
What if I AM unlovable?
What if I'm a fraud, and they ALL FIND OUT?!?!
So-
to face off with this fear directly, I stared it down.
I was blessed with someone who came into my life at the perfect time that I completely surrendered to. I exposed my ugliness, my doubt, my fear, my inadequacies..... and what they reflected back to me was understanding and acceptance. Perhaps, in a perfect world, I could tell you they loved me unconditionally, but that's a bit too happily ever after for my taste. Instead, I learned to love me unconditionally. I learned to truly forgive myself, and recognize that each and every day I am given the option to succumb to my fears and doubts or to stand up to them.
I also learned that it isn't selfish....not at all.
Why?
Because the simple truth is, once you stop listening to your own little voice, you discover another voice. This one can become the voice for others.
When you stop focusing so hard on finding negativity outside of yourself to "prove" to self how "wonderful" you are.....
You begin to notice how wonderful others are.
You can tell them.
The way they get all "serious" when they try to explain something to you.
The way the light hits the side of their face.
How they try and try and try again.
Their laughter.
Their tears.
So much perfection that you can't help yourself but say...."you are beautiful" and mean it.
Because they are.
Maybe they don't see it, maybe they can't hear it over the babbling in their own head, maybe they are lost and alone in a world so set on telling them how awful they are.
But you can.
You can, once you stop the insanity within yourself.
You don't notice who forgot to cut their lawn, or who kicked their dog, or who came stumbling home trashed from the bar with some nameless wierdo they just picked up.
You don't notice because it just.....doesn't.....matter.........not any more.
You notice that text message that came out of the blue that said "thinking of you", and you rejoice.
You notice the kind tenderness in someones' eyes and you say, "you will be okay."
You tell people they are awesome, because they are, and maybe you were the first person to say it that day.
The biggest thing that happens bit by bit, is you realize that all of this, every last bit; doesn't make you one teeny tiny itty bitty better than any one else.
All it does is stop the crazy making and bring you peace.
Because if it's genuine, you no longer wish to compare yourself with anyone.
You just want to be you, and be the very best you that you know how to be.
And when someone calls you a snob or bitch, or tells people that you are a fake, or "betrays you"....you smile....because you know that is their reality, and it just......doesn't......matter.
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