Shallow Deep Enough

I remember when my son was little, taking him to the beach almost daily. Often it was too cold to swim, but he would find a rock and dangle over the edge of it head first.

One day, while doing this fun little trick, he looked up at me and said "deep water". I grinned and said "no David, that water is shallow." He scrunched his nose and repeated "shallow?"

"Yes buddy, it's shallow."

After a moment of toddler pondering, he looked at me in that wise way that only little people do, and said "shallow deep enough".

Years later, soaking in a hot bath after a painfully miserable day...it struck me. Shallow deep enough.

I am very sad. My fears of breaking apart and losing control are happening. My masks are peeling off, and in a bared state, I wonder if it is safer to turn back. As restrictive as my box has been, it has been security. No one can hurt me, not the real me any way, when I am behind layers of protection. But being out, living my authentic self has presented me with this broken, shattered, lost feeling. 

Yes, good things have happened. I am thankful for them and would not trade a second for the world. But the terrible has no buffer, and I feel that in my raw state I bleed on others. I am sorry for this, I feel shame and guilt. 

But is shallow deep enough?

Yea, I'm in the water. My feet are definitely wet. But is it enough? How much deeper am I willing to go to become what I am meant to be?

Am I dangling over a rock, staring at the water? Am I toe-in and turning back? Or am I truly willing to run into the crashing waves, taking a battering like a champ?

I don't think shallow deep enough. I'm not even sure if fully submerged will cut it. While I'm licking my wounds, I am reminded and told that no matter how alone I feel, I am never truly alone.

Sometimes a message comes out of the blue that stops you from making a big mistake. Sometimes a friend says it's okay, when really you don't feel it is. 

This is that figure, standing by the shore line making sure you don't drown.

Is shallow deep enough? For today, yes. I've had my fill of water metaphors....

But tomorrow, I will get up and try again.