Zero to Bi-polar

...in 2 seconds flat.

I was happily painting, living in my own world of no thoughts. 

A text..."are you coming?"

I smile.

"Oh yea. I was going to go meet someone tonight." I remind myself and glance down at my work. Torn between staying in my space of no thought and entering the world of socializing.

With a sigh, I made the choice to leave what I was doing to dry, and slip out for a bit to have a drink and chat. 

Throwing on a clean sweater and socks, I laced up my boots and walked out the door. With my earbuds in, I walked into the darkness humming along with the song. 

Peaceful, happy, content with the world and my place in it.

A hug of greeting for all the smiling faces. Light chatter and my mind far off trying to decide what colour I would use in the next layer of my painting that was waiting for me.

The buzz of conversation, and I found myself being slowly pulled into this reality. The one where things happen and people have troubles. Yet I was still quite far away, hovering above any feeling. Dancing around the edges of disappointment by being let down by someone who said they would have time for me and interest in the stories that were unfolding.

Between laughter and conversation, I was met with some news. 

The floor dropped out. My chest caved in. Blood pounding in my ears and red spots flashing in front of my eyes. 

How could you?

How dare you?

Why?

If not in a crowd, I would have folded over and cried. But instead, rage brimmed up and all that serenity and calm detachment; all thoughts of my painting and accepting what is...gone. 

This is how we forget to love.

This is where the silence and connection to all humanity snaps shut with a bang.

This is zero to bi-polar.

While raging in a storm, I forget to not judge. I forget that I have wronged people. I become broken, weak, mean. My inner well of pent up years, where stories swirl and razor-edged betrayal lurks to tell me how useless I really am; comes dangerously close to exploding. 

I didn't walk away.

I didn't return to my painting, where peace and letting go laid waiting. 

So, once over. As my 10 subsides to a 2, I look around through tears I finally let fall. How silly, my humanity. 

I realize that this is how it looks.

Taking things personally. Judging quickly. Allowing the actions of another to effect my mood, my peace, my sense of well being.

I realize that the issues I am facing have to do with how I take certain events. How I deal with them. How I react.

I can apologize. 

But really, I take a few moments to send out love. I take a moment to be thankful, to be gentle with my bi-polar self. 

It's no ones fault for the choices I make, or how I react to the choices they make. It is just a part of life, and like everyone else on this planet, I'm learning to love my way through it.