This is hard for some to believe, simply because a secret to them is something you only tell...a couple people...or only a few....sigh.
Granted, I have some secrets that are exactly that.
But that's not what I am talking about right now. What I am going to speak about is the secrets that are locked deep in my forever box. Some are my own, and others are ones that people have shared with a promise I NEVER break.
So what are these things? These horrible things, that you cannot bring yourself to talk about, or even acknowledge sometimes. The things you tell yourself, if they only knew....
Sometimes I say out loud, "I'm very serious, I know what I'm capable of" and I am being brutally honest. But it's easy for the other person to grin at you and dismiss it as bravado, because they don't know. Nor will they know, because I lived it, I did it, and I'm not talking.
Is it wrong to keep that part locked up? If you only knew....
Or rather, is it what makes us who we are? Is that secret the missing link to the enigma that we are?
Do I hold it back because of fear? Fear of judgement, fear of trust, fear of scorn? Or is it our own self we are afraid of?
Not long ago, I finally shared an extremely sensitive secret that I had locked up for years. I shared it with my most loved gay best friend. Shortly after, him being so open to my secret and making me feel no so bad about it, I actually found myself telling another friend. Why? How was I able to keep silent for YEARS, and in less than a month, share it with 2 people?? Then again after that, I tell my sister, then my cousin....what is wrong with me? Now, it's out there. I'm exposed, and if confronted with it, I will have to deal with it. So is that why it is easier to keep the secrets?
I have many. The one I have just spoken about is a biggie, but not even a tip on the ice burg. Maybe because I learned young to keep my mouth shut about certain things. I can talk all day long (sometimes) about absolutely nothing. And if you tell me something with a promise to not repeat, it goes in the vault with my own. Yet this brings me to my point....and I do actually have one....
After reading my cousins' blog about the silent epidemic (you should read it) I realized that am I not part of the problem? I am one to protect secrets at all costs. Most of the time, if I see that it is wrong, I will speak out. But not all the time, not by a long shot. My promise to keep my mouth shut, and unwillingness to be judge and jury over others over rides my ability to speak up every time. If you say it's a secret, I won't budge. Is that right?
How do I stop the cycle of abuse, empower women, march against sexual assault and domestic violence....if I won't even say a word? How do I find my own voice, and speak my own truth, if I refuse to allow the major events that shaped me be known?
This is a problem. A problem I have no idea how to remedy.
Maybe this is the first step. Maybe I don't have to say what those secrets are, or even hint at what they might be...but realize that I am a part of a problem that I no longer want to take part in.
I don't have the answer today, but I'm willing to look into it. I will continue to be the keeper of secrets, for my word is my bond. That is one of the qualities I am not ashamed of. But at the same time, maybe in finding my voice, I will be able to create a space of balance, where it's okay to speak out about abuse and find a way to help fix it.
Namaste
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