The truth is, I am still becoming. I am a Pisces, and of the sort, constantly chasing my tail, seeking balance in a world that I perceive as cold and heartless. And yet, I see beauty all around me, and take the time to let it capture my breath.
A few years ago I was very ill. We could debate physical, mental or spiritual, discuss details and treatment and all that great stuff...but it's all just nonsense to me. I was ill, and whether I would have died because of it is moot, because I truly BELIEVED at that time that I would. And not in the "my heart is breaking I'm gonna die" sort of way. But the serious "write a will and prepare for" sort of way. So what was wrong? Everything!! My body was ejecting me, my mind was unhinged and I had zero connection to any sort of belief structure or purpose. I was broken and lost.
So self-help books, counselling, medical treatment, surgery, diet & lifestyle change, positive outlook, hope....and so much more, became the anchor I wedged myself to. But like so many, once my body and mind began to heal, I encountered a huge let-down. Like a sigh that builds up deep from within, the question "what now?" burst out over and over until I didn't even know why I was happy to be alive any more.
Began then the long struggle with anxiety and self-esteem. B.I. (before illness) I was a wicked good riot all wrapped up in confidence and vivacity. Laughter was my go-to and selfishness was a second skin. But rejection and sickness burned a hole in my confidence and becoming well took a toll on my ability to think of me and my kids first. Now, every problem started with how others will feel, take it, look at it...and ended with "well that's just selfish". Panic attacks and crippling anxieties made me feel foolish and useless, while weight gain made me feel ugly and sluggish. So what exactly did I get better for??
Then a couple years ago, my cousin-whom I had lost touch with over time-popped back in my life. Beyond the comfortable "hey I've missed ya's" we found a connection. She was going through school to become a life coach, yoga instructor, hypnotherapist person, and we had read many of the same books. I was beginning to practice yoga, and found many of our root beliefs were similar or the same. She began practicing on me for her homework...yet it opened up this whole new world of awareness to me. Because of her, and the work we did, my anxieties began to slip away...only one panic attack this week. Then only one this month, three months no attacks. I quickly was off my medication, losing weight, feeling energized and positive about life again and realizing that I'M NOT DEAD YET!!!!!
In the last couple years, I have found myself again. Older, wiser, quieter, more loving, accepting, patient...but definitely myself. This is a journey for me, with highs and lows that sometimes cycle as quickly as two or three a day...but regardless, I move forward. I don't panic as much, and my laughter is much more genuine and from the heart then it was a few years ago. I've been working at peeling off my masks, and becoming my authentic self at all times. Every day it is a little easier to speak my truths.
Certain events have shaped me, and I will never deny that. However, I am finding this place where it is okay to let them go with peace. I tell people I love them all the time, and that's huge for me. Because the truth is, loving people is scary. Telling them I love them is even scarier...because sometimes they don't love you back. Sometimes they leave you, hurt you, think less of you, trample you, scar you. Finding this place where I can accept that and be okay with that and still love them any way...well that's just a gigantic leap for me.
So back to the beginning....
I am truly unexceptional. But I'm the only me I have. I still get surprised or thrown off guard when I discover that someone talked about me, or found my life even remotely interesting. I giggle at the stories people have made up about me, they are impressive or tacky...never even close to who I am.
Who am I? The one only at the starting line. The one in the corner, happy to watch everyone else have fun. The cheering one, the backer. But I'm working on that...I figure since I've been able to be happy for everyone else, and love others so completely...maybe I can do that for me too. Who knows, I'm not quite dead yet.
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