Some of these fears are easy to recognize, and I have even conquered some. Things like spiders, dirty floors, drowning, cobwebs and getting into a car accident, I have mostly kicked. They are easy fears to admit to, and easy fears to over come.
However, there are many fears that get me all twisted inside and out. These are the ones I have been trying hard to face and stay with. I think of them as walls, and instead of running from the wall, or letting the wall push me...I picture myself facing the wall and pushing through it. Probably not the best description, but it works for me.
Number one on the list is the fear of fear itself. Crazy I know, but thems be the facts. I am afraid of being afraid, or more to the point, I am afraid that the fear will be bigger than I can handle.
I am afraid of admitting my fears. Scared that by speaking of them, it might give them life. Knock on wood.
I'm not going to list all my fears, that'd be lame. Instead, I am going to speak to and of it.
Switching gears...this is another truth:
I am a true warrior. A fighter, both fair and unfair, in body and in spirit. I refuse to become silent and give in. I refuse to go backwards, no matter the cost. Only forwards, even if only by faith at times.
Every time I fall, and I do and will, I get back up. Scars heal. Time passes.
I will not back down, I will not choke or become stagnant. Even in my cave, licking my wounds. Or under my willow tree in thought, I am only gathering strength to carry on another day.
I think of a lion, a sword, a bear. This is who I am when I need to be.
A friend of mine once said I was a strong person, and at the time I disagreed. However, since then I have changed my tune. Just because I don't feel like I'm strong doesn't mean I'm not. When I give my word, it is in stone. When I fall down, I get back up. When I slip up, I fix it.
Even in my darkest hours and my weakest moments, I am aware of the fact that I will rise again and again until I fall dead.
One of my biggest challenges at this juncture is accepting that strong or not, fearful or not, people are people and I am who I am. I can't wave a magic wand or wish my fears away. One by one, I have to face off with them and be victorious.
To quote Fiona Apple- "If there was a better way to go then it would find me. I can't help the road just rolls out behind me. Be kind to me, or treat me mean. I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine."
I have no good way to end this blog. One of my many fears is the exposure of my personal sketches, and yet here are two. I have also been using them on Facebook...why? Because it is a fear that I can face. It is one that I can conquer, one sketch at a time. My son David would say-"nailed it"...and I say all the time currently-"so worth it".....
Love me or hate me, this is me, fears and all. I will tell you the truth, whether you like it or not, and when I'm choking on my terror of your disdain...know that I am in that moment battling a fear, and winning.
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