"What? Isn't that what you wanted?" It sound more like "intdatchoowandid"
My mouth is forming a gaping "o" and my temples are throbbing like two cats in a sack.
"Yea...no!" I sputter.
"You no like?" She is smiling, so I have to assume there is some form of amusement with this question.
"No, I really no like." I feel somewhat guilty for mocking her, but can barely contain myself at this juncture.
"I do different for you?" Sounding like "eyesdewdifrenfoyew"
I rub my eyes. I am drawing in a deep breath, with which is to be the prelude to a long-winded English vocabulary lesson of the likes she will never forget, when I am suddenly struck with the words of my mother. Hair grows back.
"It'll grow back." I repeat out loud. Huge exhale.
She gives me a hesitant smile, "you like? You okay?"
"Yea, it's fine." I'm convincing myself, "it will grow back soon enough."
I shrug off the drape, locks of my hair cascade to the floor and I turn away with an internal cringe. Whatever.
As I pay with a sulky refusal to meet her eyes, I realize I'm being terribly selfish. It isn't her fault really. It's my own.
Had I not procrastinated to get my hair cut. Had I not been so insistant that I needed one no later then today. Had I not whipped in to a little shop with a shoddy "we take walkins" scribbled on cardboard in the window. Had I just not.... Well, then I wouldn't be in this pickle, wondering how many hats I can pull off for the next six to eight weeks of my life.
Yet, here I am, bitter for paying and angry at a smiling, vibrant little girl. How rude.
This is how it is. Choices we make become someone else's fault every day. I sit in a store where people complain about late fees. They bicker with me about a choice they made. They return items they damaged for refund, insisting they deserve their money back for something they clearly did. Me, in my indignant rage, see that as selfish. Yet am I any better?
When I worked in restaurants and bars, I saw this day in day out. Ignorant, selfish people that created their own dramas in order to not pay or at the very least, excuse themself for not tipping. Yet am I any better?
I flip out a five dollar bill, meeting her eyes finally.
"For you," I say, "I'm sorry I was upset."
"You like hair? You okay?" She is clearly realizing that I have been livid. She takes the five gently and looks down at it.
"Yes, thank you." I smile as I say this.
It's true, even though it's not at all what I had hoped for when I asked for a trim.
"It's perfect. Have a good day."
"Oh thank you. You very pretty." She bows her head in my direction as I turn to leave.
My choice. Call it my mistake, or lesson. Either way, it comes down to my choice. I choose to deep breathe and relax into the fact that good, bad or indifferent, I bring reality into my life. Results are not always as expected, but this is through no fault of others. I choose to see the actions of others as hurtful or a hindrance, when really only a few minutes of thought or understanding would cause me to see that I created this reality in one way or another. So often, people view my actions as hurtful or selfish, when that wasn't my intention at all, and I know this. So how can I in good conscience do that to others?
Today I choose awareness. I choose peace and forgiveness. I say that today, and I mean it forever.
I will likely slip up. Tempers flare. Tantrums on an exhausted day are inevitable. The program to see others as "doing to me" and I as "being wronged" is a hard one to shake. But baby steps forward. There are some truly hateful, selfish, sexist, ignorant people in this world (one day I will blog about true sexism at its' ugliest) For the most part, however, we are all just going about our daily business. With a little more acceptance and personal responsibility, I can change my world one person at a time.
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