I can Be Your Villain

I look down with a lump in my throat and a sinking, sick feeling in my gut. It doesn't really seem to matter how much I learn, how much I strive for peace, things still catch me sideways at times.
I tell myself to not take it personal, it probably has nothing to do with me. Rarely do they, and when I have been so foolish to assume in the past, it has brought me nothing but misery.
"It's not about me." I say out loud. This seems to soothe my vomit reflex for a minute.
As I tremble a bit, I tell myself it's the cold not my nerves, but I realize that my instincts are kicking in. Too many coincidences suggest that it is indeed about me, and the hurt of such a brutal attack with no purpose is taking root in my heart.
I want to ignore it. Need to ignore it. Yet I find my eyes scanning over the words once again, letting the entire gist of it register.
"Hah" I chuckle. Even though this is a forced and painful laugh, I do it any way. There is no way that this can be about me. So I remove the words from my line of vision and stare off at a tree. It's not about me. It's not about me. It can't possibly be about me.
And yet....
I scan through my memory logs. I am aware now that my knees are completely watery, so I sit down. It feels like a bruise is forming right between my eyes, and I rub my head.
"You are over thinking this." I tell myself. Myself is probably right. I do that way too much, and it seems that the more I try to NOT, the more I do.
"Even if it is about you...what difference does it make? Is it true? No...it's not who you are or what you're doing with your life, or even what your intentions have been. So even if it is...it matters not."
I tend to agree with these thoughts, however my gut has resumed churning and my head is throbbing.
"Stupid facebook" I mutter, "this is why I stayed away from it for so long."
I shift in my chair and lean my head back. Deep breath. It's only effecting you if you allow it to, the words of Iyanla Vanzant pop into my head. Nothing outside of you has the power to control you unless you let it. Right. Okay then. As if that helps at this moment! Grrrr.

I take a side-trip in my mind, back to the sail boat. I remember gripping the seat and holding on for dear life, absolutely convinced that the stupid boat was going to tip.
Yet it didn't. Not even close.
It took two people and tons of logic to convince me otherwise. After a half hour or so, I had settled in the comforting knowledge that no matter how tippy that sail boat was, it wasn't going down. By the end of the trip, I was enjoying myself.

Back to the present. Back to this overwhelming sense that not only am I being shut out, but also being thought of and portrayed as some kind of villain. Could be I'm just dead wrong. I actually don't really know. My instincts are generally reliable, but perhaps in this, they are just clouded with exhaustion, frustration and confusion.

I close my eyes and clear the voices and debates going on in my mind. "Shhhh, quiet time." I tell me. This makes me grin, genuinely. You should hear me sometimes, I crack myself up.
Only love, love, and more love. I got big love I'm sending out. Faith and love. Healing love, with a candy compassion coating. I forgive what I do not understand and breathe it out. Tossing it to the wind, sending it out on a barge...this big, big love. I accept what I cannot change, and in confusion, I accept that it is not mine to know right now. The walk-out door is always open, so no hate for those who use it. Only love to follow and faith that whatever comes next is as it should be.

My humanity is bare, I wear it like rags of riches balled up and covering the painful parts. My imperfections like raw diamonds on the flesh to draw blood. I can forgive others because I must forgive myself.
Yet, I am free of the need to drag others down with me. I bite my lip and refuse myself the glee of returning hurt for hurt. Did I deserve that? Yup, probably on some level or another, whether from now or from times gone by. Makes no difference. Those who see themselves as victims will always need a source of their misery...and I for that? Sure, why not.
My stomach has finally calmed down, and as I breathe past this one, I wonder what next. Nothing to do or say, nowhere to go.

Any one who thinks I am perfect, please take note. I battle my demons every single day, multiple times. Now and then they win for a spell, but I'm done with giving in. I get back up, suit up, and face off with them for victory. Some are kittens dressed as dragons, and others are dragons pretending to be friends. I never really know until time stands still. I forgive myself over and over, which is what makes it so easy for me to forgive others. It's like a muscle, and I flex it constantly. Those who want to make me a bad guy in their drama...it's okay. I don't much mind. Ya, it'll hurt for a minute or two, not gonna lie. In the end though, I win. You saved me the effort of having to do anything. You did all the work for me. One less dragon to slay.

Back on a boat that at one time, I assumed would be my horrific, drowning death. It wasn't. I was wrong, completely wrong.
I can live with being wrong. I can live with either being a villain or not.
I can even live with never finding out the truth.
I can live, because living is the only option I've got.
I would rather live laughing, loving, being, doing...then live in fear.