Surrender

Some days I wish I didn't have hang ups and scars. I wish that I could relate to others as I perceive others relate to each other.
Often I find myself outside, looking in. I wonder why it is that I feel such overwhelming guilt, seclusion and isolation amidst a crowd. I find the conversations around me so distant, like listening through a long tube.

Then I am reminded this is all an illusion. This is a dream, and I can change how I am dreaming by shifting my focus.

Coming to terms with accepting this journey, and all it has to offer is easy one day; a struggle the next. For the truth is, my scars are my own. My battle with these things only carry on as long as I am fighting.

I can surrender.

I am blessed with a series of unfortunate events. Events that in the moment, were heart wrenching, frustrating and confusing... and yet... and yet.... they all brought me to right here, right now.
In some strange way, it does not lessen the impact of those other events, not one bit. It doesn't make it okay or relieve the struggle with understanding the why's. But what it does is complete the picture and bring everything full circle. It closes the loop and makes this moment, this millisecond, perfect in every way.

I will probably stumble across this sort of thing again. I will wish to be purged of my issues. I wish I could just be done, now! Poof, make it happen captain. As my stories end, and I sew up the loose edges and accept what I cannot change, I will continue to have these incredible, humbling events that remind me that even if it doesn't happen how I wished it would...it happens the way it should.

I can break my arms reaching, or just let go.
I can break my heart wanting, or just be thankful.
I can choose this moment, each moment, and then a moment right now, to breathe deeply and behold the blessings I am given without even having to ask.

To accept that scars and all, I am still worthy of all of this, even unexpected. No's can lead to yesses that I never saw coming. That maybe it's not my hang-ups that caused it, but instead it was awareness moving things in space and time to where it was meant to be.

It can be hard to remember these things. It has been a hard journey with no community to relate to and so few willing to travel with me. Yet I have hope. I believe that when the time comes, perhaps when I am healed, I will find a world I fit in to. Until then, I choose to continue, thankful for every glimpse of hope I come across. In as much as I write for release, I also write to remind myself.

Remember-scars and all, I'm fine.
Remember-I'm allowed to be me, it's okay.
Remember-sometimes things happen in confusion to shine light on the unseen.

And-also-as well...smile, it only gets better. :)